Telemarketing memoirs. Post I

I work(ed) as a telemarketer...
And that's probably the most boring way to open up a post, but this is me getting the point down.

Now let me tell you a couple reasons why as a customer service rep, I hate customers.

1.) Although you think you're the only person that exists on the planet and our company's only focus... I promise you're not.
You are special in your own special little ways, I and your mother will give you that. However, you shouldn't get mad at me when you have a long hold period. Sorry bro, I hate being on hold too, but I'M NOT GOING TO THREATEN YOUR LIFE OR ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE BECAUSE OF ELEVATOR MUSIC OR A FEW ADVERTISEMENTS. 

You act like you're waiting for a heart transplant! I promise it isn't life threatening to wait a few minutes to get some quality help on an issue. Though, if you don't calm down you demon hag, you might give yourself a heart attack and I won't feel bad.We are trying our best and we are doing our best. Sometimes our systems get overloaded because you and a few other people are calling about GOD knows what...(see number 3.) So please in the future wait patiently and don't be a dick.

2.) I cannot give you services for free.
Ever.
If you call in wanting a vacation, a car, internet services, home phone, television services, a fishing pole, a giraffe... I promise it's going to come at a price. Although the internet and a giraffe are pretty awesome things, our company will still have to charge you for providing you with that.

Believe it or not, the company actually has to pay for those services too. it's not like we created the internet. it's not like we created giraffes. WE are also sold those products. The company also has to pay me, as I'm losing 10 hours of my life every day listening to your incessant whining. We also have to pay for many of the things we give you in order to start up the internet service. I, as a representative of that company, have to uphold those charges. as much as I would like to give out free things out of the goodness of my heart, I can't.

3.) Make sure you're calling the right company before you call us and whine about wait times.
If you want LifeAlert, call them. Communications companies don't often sell those. Do some investigating and save everyone some time. We only sell giraffes, cars, vacations, fishing poles internet, TV and/or phone service!

4.) Don't get mad at me when I try to sell you our products or tell you about things we offer.

It's apparently my job. It wasn't in my original job description, but apparently selling people things is a part of all customer service to cheapskates. Representatives typically get yelled at when they don't offer or mention products, sometimes they even get fired.

So, now we're getting yelled at by everyone. Just say "No, I don't want this product. But thanks for telling me about it." I'll usually reply with something along the lines of "Well thanks very much for listening to me! I just wanted to let you know it was an option for you and we'd love to provide you with great service!"
You don't have to be rude about it and you don't have to threaten me or my fake kids.

Moral: Don't shoot the messenger.

5.) Be prepared when you call in to any call center.
Know what you're going to say. Know any information about you that we need in order to look up your account or your specific issue. Let's look at an example I would get on calls every single day.

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Well sir and or madam, what I should tell you is that you're SOL.  You should know your account number for anything you have an account with. It should be in your records. Usually they show up on your bill each month.  But since I'm stupid, I'm going to keep you on the line to find your account number through a long and strenuous process by searching a few different ways. You know, since your issue is so important and life threatening. 

Then you're going to yell and scream at me some more about how this phone call was "so ridiculously long" and you "have a life" and a "100 dollar an hour job". I promise I don't want to be on the phone with you for very long either. :c


And so what I'm trying to say with this post is, I guess, please be nice to your telemarketers, your customer care representatives, and especially any person you're talking to on the phone. Most people aren't crazy enough to do so, but we do have access to your account information and we can ruin your lives. When you're thinking about being incredibly rude and unreasonable to us, think again. All we want to do is help. It's what we get paid to do and telling ourselves that is what helps us sleep better at night.

And also when you're mean to me I go home and beat my fake kids with bricks. 

My least favorite sound.

Disclaimer: I am joking. I did this in my debate class for the shock value because I was bored. I apologize if you feel offended, but you really shouldn't be so offendable.



You know what my least favorite sound is?
 Babies crying. It makes me want to club seals. And kittens. They’re obnoxious. Kids are adorable when they reach that cute age of about two. Then after that stage they’re obnoxious again until they die. But you know what’s delicious? BABIES! It’s a simple fix, really. It can’t make much sound when you’re digesting it.


This is why I support the legalization of eating human babies under the age of one for the reasons of world peace, population control, and their nutritional value.

My first point, world peace.
Statistics show a correlation between babies screaming to the overall anger level of anyone listening to it is much higher than anyone who is baby screaming free. If we control the noise level babies emit, we can help control the anger level of everyday people. From small neighborhoods to large countries. There is no limit to what we can do. We could even prevent terrorism with the simple promotion of baby eating. We can also stop the high levels of aggravated murders, depression, and Rosie O' Donnell.


My second point, controlling the population
India, china, you name it. Controlling the population has been a problem for ages. The population of the world is growing everyday, and with it, the rates of illiteracy, famine, teenage pregnancy, depression, childhood obesity, and I’m pretty sure I could tie anything else bad to it. With more people in the world comes more responsibility for people we don’t have the time or resources to take care of. With control over the amount of people in the world, we can easily control the quality of our people. Educated, refined, and polite people will reign when we regulate the eating of infants.

And my last point, the nutritional value of human baby meat.
Babies are low in calories, high in protein, and great in taste. They’ve got faces you just can’t say no to. And best of all they’re all natural, without all the steroids found in other livestock meat. They taste great with vegetables and promote a healthy lifestyle. And lastly, they'll make all of your dreams come true.

In conclusion, we can fix just about every problem in today’s society if we legalize, regulate, and promote the consumption of human babies until they reach age one. If they survive after that,  we put them to hard labor.