Accurate visual descriptions of me waiting for Assassin's Creed III.

AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.   

I can no longer differentiate between cats and food.
Yes, this is an actual picture of me.

I'm also going insane. :(

















I can't wait any longer for this game. I need it now. 

Telemarketing memoirs. Post I

I work(ed) as a telemarketer...
And that's probably the most boring way to open up a post, but this is me getting the point down.

Now let me tell you a couple reasons why as a customer service rep, I hate customers.

1.) Although you think you're the only person that exists on the planet and our company's only focus... I promise you're not.
You are special in your own special little ways, I and your mother will give you that. However, you shouldn't get mad at me when you have a long hold period. Sorry bro, I hate being on hold too, but I'M NOT GOING TO THREATEN YOUR LIFE OR ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE BECAUSE OF ELEVATOR MUSIC OR A FEW ADVERTISEMENTS. 

You act like you're waiting for a heart transplant! I promise it isn't life threatening to wait a few minutes to get some quality help on an issue. Though, if you don't calm down you demon hag, you might give yourself a heart attack and I won't feel bad.We are trying our best and we are doing our best. Sometimes our systems get overloaded because you and a few other people are calling about GOD knows what...(see number 3.) So please in the future wait patiently and don't be a dick.

2.) I cannot give you services for free.
Ever.
If you call in wanting a vacation, a car, internet services, home phone, television services, a fishing pole, a giraffe... I promise it's going to come at a price. Although the internet and a giraffe are pretty awesome things, our company will still have to charge you for providing you with that.

Believe it or not, the company actually has to pay for those services too. it's not like we created the internet. it's not like we created giraffes. WE are also sold those products. The company also has to pay me, as I'm losing 10 hours of my life every day listening to your incessant whining. We also have to pay for many of the things we give you in order to start up the internet service. I, as a representative of that company, have to uphold those charges. as much as I would like to give out free things out of the goodness of my heart, I can't.

3.) Make sure you're calling the right company before you call us and whine about wait times.
If you want LifeAlert, call them. Communications companies don't often sell those. Do some investigating and save everyone some time. We only sell giraffes, cars, vacations, fishing poles internet, TV and/or phone service!

4.) Don't get mad at me when I try to sell you our products or tell you about things we offer.

It's apparently my job. It wasn't in my original job description, but apparently selling people things is a part of all customer service to cheapskates. Representatives typically get yelled at when they don't offer or mention products, sometimes they even get fired.

So, now we're getting yelled at by everyone. Just say "No, I don't want this product. But thanks for telling me about it." I'll usually reply with something along the lines of "Well thanks very much for listening to me! I just wanted to let you know it was an option for you and we'd love to provide you with great service!"
You don't have to be rude about it and you don't have to threaten me or my fake kids.

Moral: Don't shoot the messenger.

5.) Be prepared when you call in to any call center.
Know what you're going to say. Know any information about you that we need in order to look up your account or your specific issue. Let's look at an example I would get on calls every single day.

*

*

*

Well sir and or madam, what I should tell you is that you're SOL.  You should know your account number for anything you have an account with. It should be in your records. Usually they show up on your bill each month.  But since I'm stupid, I'm going to keep you on the line to find your account number through a long and strenuous process by searching a few different ways. You know, since your issue is so important and life threatening. 

Then you're going to yell and scream at me some more about how this phone call was "so ridiculously long" and you "have a life" and a "100 dollar an hour job". I promise I don't want to be on the phone with you for very long either. :c


And so what I'm trying to say with this post is, I guess, please be nice to your telemarketers, your customer care representatives, and especially any person you're talking to on the phone. Most people aren't crazy enough to do so, but we do have access to your account information and we can ruin your lives. When you're thinking about being incredibly rude and unreasonable to us, think again. All we want to do is help. It's what we get paid to do and telling ourselves that is what helps us sleep better at night.

And also when you're mean to me I go home and beat my fake kids with bricks. 

I have too much time.

I also have no friends.

I made a video.

It's really cool.
You should watch it because it shows off my coolness.
:D But no really.

Dear girls who talk ten octaves too high because you think it’s cute,

You’re not cute and I hate absolutely everything about you.

Sincerely, 

The end.

Just kidding, but seriously though, it’s not cute.
Do you hear yourself at all? I know my voice personally sounds different than what I hear when I talk, but to an extent I know what I sound like… 

Everyone knows you have a normal voice, because you use it occasionally when you’re not trying so hard to wake dogs up 3 blocks away at a park. So why is it that when you talk to boys, your voice changes to such a high pitch? Are you a baby? Do you think it’s really that attractive to act like a baby? And don’t you have a boyfriend? Or are you just trying to get people to do what you want them to do? You give me a sinus headache. You shove mucus up in my nose and give me a sinus headache.

I feel like, to most girls, this is a mechanism used in a manipulative way to get people to do what they want. You make yourself look weak and vulnerable, much like a baby. When was the last time you actually took someone seriously when they talked like they were two? The pitch of your voice has a lot to do with your confidence.

This might be because I’m a debater, but I can’t take people seriously when they try to act cute in order to get people’s attention in doing something. People who debate are typically intelligent, confident people. Their voices have a big impact on the judge’s vote. If you sound like Stewart from MADTv, you typically will not get anyone’s vote because IT’S AWFUL TO LISTEN TO. I do hope that girls who talk like this know that girls who do use a baby voice and don’t use the powerful voice everyone actually does have deep down do not end up being Supreme Court Justices, CEO's, or any woman who is in a position where it is important to be taken seriously. Have some dignity!  Have some respect for yourself! Grow some…balls? BALLS! YEAH! BALLS.

You know what, you don’t even have to grow balls. Just use your big girl voice. That would make me very happy.

And I’m all about “EXPRESS YOURSELF. BE YOU.” I get it, but there’s a fine line between doing things for the shock value so people notice you and THINK you’re unique and doing things for yourself. You may be unique, but unique isn’t always a good thing.

So I guess what the main point of what I’m trying to get across is  do everything you can to make yourself happy without being fake and manipulative and a harm to everyone's hearing.
Yeah. That.

Love/Hate Relationships with inanimate objects, and why I think I need therapy.

Yesterday was Valentines day, and my boyfriend got me a giant stuffed bear. Although this is a very sweet gesture and I'm glad he was thinking of me, there is a problem with this.

I have a love/hate relationship with stuffed animals. I really, really, truly, love them. If I could have a little room in my house that was full of stuffed animals that I could just stay in every day, then I would be there at all times no questions asked. I would read them stories and eat with them, I would probably even sleep there! But here's the problem....
I DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR THEM. :(((((

I already have a million care bears. Shelves full of care bears, and two VERY GIANT CARE BEARS. That's not all of the stuffed animals I have, I also keep a plethora of hello kitty stuffed animals, build a bear's and whatever other stuffed toys I can get my hands on. Let's back up now- I am an adult (not really, but I'm eighteen, so good enough.), and most people think it's a little odd to keep so many stuffed animals at this age. So it's nearly impossible to host a decent get-together with friends without keeping my door locked because so I'm ashamed of my stuffed-toy-hoarding habits and also because I want to be accepted by people that aren't inanimate.
Any time I try to get rid of a stuffed animal or give them away, I feel like I'm selling a human on the black market and I'm not even being paid for it. I can just hear their little voices saying "Don't get rid of me... I love you... I've always loved you. I'm adorable and I've watched you sleep for the past 4 years. We have a special bond that no one else can have. Please don't give me away. :("

I also have a hard time keeping them in storage. I don't like it much when they're on the floor at night. I feel like I've been a bad mommy and I'm forcing my children to sleep on the floor while I sleep in a nice warm bed. I like it when they have a special place they can stay and keep watch for demon sleep-interrupters. Stuffed animals are my guardian angels.

I also feel bad for things that aren't necessarily personified. I always try to eat everything on my plate because I feel like those foods will feel left out if they're not eaten. I feel like this is life disrupting because I always eat way too much, or too little in fear of over eating. I'm okay with not over-eating because what I don't eat from a big dinner will just be left-overs and they can just enjoy their vacation in the arctic fridge to be eaten the next day.

I feel bad for things that are reduced price or are in the clearance section. It's like telling someone "Hey, I told you that you were worth this much. My bad, everybody hates you and I want to get rid of you, so now you're worth this much." But it's okay little 4 dollar cup set, I think you're lovely. If I wasn't poor and had a greater need for cups, I'd buy you and every other cup set in the clearance section. Maybe if your makers had given you a floral design, others would have liked you. (But I think you're just perfect the way you are. :)

Even though I do pity things that aren't alive, I also hold a certain amount of disdain for other objects that aren't alive. When I was little, my mother and others in my family seemed to think that I loved china dolls with every fiber of my being. I had at least six just sitting on my clothes dresser. These people was very, very mistaken.

Since china dolls are more realistic and it's probably more acceptable to be attached to those because most of them take an actual HUMAN form, I hated those creepy stupid dolls that would sit there and watch you sleep. I still do hate them.

I remember when I was young, I used to sit around thinking of ways to get rid of them. I think once, I actually punched one in the face and broke it so I'd have an excuse to have it taken out of my room. (I blamed the destruction of the doll on the doll itself. Seeing as this is, my story wasn't exactly believable and so this tactic did not garner much sympathy.) I think my mom actually glued the demon's face back together, making the doll six times creepier because its face now looked like Gaara from the Naruto Series. And it was wearing a pink dress. It was like the grudge living in my room. Except now the doll actually had a grudge against me and it wanted blood for my crimes.

I don't remember what happened to grudge doll. All of my old china dolls are now sitting in my parent's shed. The sad thing is, I'm ridiculously scared of being in or near that shed at all because I know that if the dolls know I'm there, they'll come to life and shoot me with their new handy-dandy guns that they've had five to six years in solitude to make.

I'm pretty sure I have some psychological problems. I shouldn't feel this way about toys... or food.